M is for Marriage

I have always wanted to get married.  Since the time of Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids marriage and a family has been in the plans.  But hasn't happened yet.  Which is hard some times, unbearable others and sometimes fine and dandy.

Sometimes when my married friends with kids are complaining about in laws and no sleep and their spouse I think, you know what? I'm ok.  I can sleep when I want and do what I want and don't have any mother in law drama.

Sometimes when I see people with their wedding pictures and baby pictures and idyllic looking lives its hard.  When something goes wrong or I need someone to talk to it would be nice to have a husband who was on my side.

And sometimes, when people are callous and insensitive to the plight of singledom it is nearly unbearable.  It is a slap in the face and tears from hurt feelings and friends who SHOULD know better and understand how you feel.  They were single once, but in my experience, becoming a
"smug married" makes you forget all that.

But you know what?  As much as I want that, as much as I want a marriage and a family, sometimes it scares the daylights out of me.  Because I have seen too many people, in my family even, who have completely lost their identity in their marriage.  Who have tossed aside their own family and have become selfish self absorbed robots who can't do anything without the approval of their spouse. I've seen others who have marriages that would make me absolutely miserable.  Honestly, of the young married people I know and am friends with, there are about 2 that I consider to have a "good" marriage.  Something like the one I want. The others?  Their husbands are selfish or lazy or big kids themselves.  That's scary.  So is the thought of marrying a person you think you know who turns out to be crazy or have a whole other life or personality you've never seen.  This is what terrifies me the most.  It's a scary business, this marriage.  I won't even get into in laws.  Yikes.

It's scary.  It's a huge decision, among the most important you will make in your life.  And even with all that, I still want it. 

But I vow, here and now to NEVER, EVER become a smug married.